‘I lost my whole identity, went through an identity crisis’: Muzhda Akbari describes her journey to Pakistan, Canada

Muzhda Akbari is an 18-year-old Afghan girl who was forced to leave Afghanistan following the takeover of the country by the Taliban in August 2021. She has shown the courage to build a new life from scratch in Canada. Despite all the challenges of establishing a new life, Muzhda is not only trying to turn them into opportunities, but she also continues to support her fellow Afghan girls in Afghanistan and advocate for their rights that are taken away in Taliban-controlled Afghanistan. 

Muzhda is the founder of CodeGreen Afghanistan, a web-based platform with the mission to provide free and accessible online educational resources. As an activist, Muzhda passionately advocates for what is important to her and the world we live in: ensuring everyone enjoys their rights as humans. She finds joy in reading books, occasionally playing the rubab, a traditional Afghan musical instrument, writing, photography, and coding. In this interview, HerStory’s President, Nila Ibrahimi, sat down with Muzhda to share her life story with us and our readers, describing the inspiring journey she has undergone.

HerStory: Let's discuss your passions: playing the rubab, writing, photography, and coding. Could you share more about these interests and what motivates you to invest your time in these activities?

Muzhda: When I try anything, it serves as a kind of escape from other challenges. For instance, when I began playing the rubab in Pakistan, I was grappling with a lot of depression and various issues, not only in Pakistan but also in Afghanistan and around the world. The decision to start playing the rubab made me feel deeply connected, especially to Afghanistan, as the rubab is our national instrument.

Also, when it comes to writing, I love it. Writing serves as an escape from all of my emotions; it's a way that I can organize my mind and write about things that I love. Photography is another passion of mine—when I take photos, I believe each one tells a story, and I love that aspect. As for coding, I started it primarily to experience the joy of education, and it has become something very special for me. This led to the start of Code Green Afghanistan. Currently, I am studying different subjects at school; each of them is also an escape from something else, yet, at the same time, it’s a way for me to truly feel myself.

HerStory: Moving to another country can trigger flashbacks that will make you miss every moment of your life back home. So tell us about your early childhood. How would you recall your childhood, where you grew up, and, of course, the specific memories that you might miss? 

Muzhda: Yeah, oh, about my childhood—so I grew up in Badakhshan, and most of my childhood was there until I was 13. Then, due to the war and other circumstances, we moved to Kabul. Back in Badakhshan, I was raised by my grandparents, and we lived in a very village-like place; you can call it the Village of Chapchi Makhdar. Growing up there, I had many good experiences that make me happy when I recall them. I'm so glad I had those moments. For instance, I used to be quite a naughty kid, always getting into trouble. I led a group of ten girls in our friend circle, and we were very close. We used to do many crazy things. One memorable incident was when we went to a madrasa (a religious school for younger kids). One day, I suggested, 'Let's make those bombs,' similar to the little things boys our age made for fun. They would put it in paint, color it, and explode when they mixed it with water. The boys used to do that. I told my friends, 'Let's do the same thing!' So, one Friday during prayer time, my friends and I made those and placed them around the mosque. When it exploded, people came, assuming it was boys who did it. They went to the boys and asked, 'Why did you do that?' They denied it, and it became a funny memory. I recall that because I was such a troublemaker, and I love that curiosity. We were so eager to try different things, even crossing the river, although it wasn't okay, we did it—crazy things, and I love that. Another significant part of my childhood was growing up in a village. That, in itself, has its own story—the people's reactions, the way they talk, the way they live. It's very different from the city, and I think that was a big part of it. Besides that, the relationships and connections we had—I love that part too. Being that curious and a bit of a troublemaker.

HerStory: Great story. To go through the activism and talk about that, what inspired you to start your journey of activism? Could you walk us through your journey?

Muzhda: Of course, when it comes to activism, a big part of it is our life in Afghanistan. The fact that we are girls and grew up in Afghanistan means that activism is a way of life. We had to be activists, speak out for ourselves, and stand up for ourselves, or else we'd be limited and isolated. Many moments led me to stand up, and that standing up inspired other girls. That was the drive. As I mentioned in an interview with the Society Inspired Podcast, my childhood best friend, Shamila, was forced into a child marriage. That experience shook me so much. We spent so much time together, and I knew how talented and amazing she was. Unfortunately, she was forced into marriage, limiting everything. Right now, she has two kids. I am so sad that her children might go through the same situation. It feels so bad.

But other than that, as I mentioned, for me, activism was a way of life. For example, there were times in school when my teacher said something about girls that I wasn't okay with. I stood up, raised my hand, and said, 'Miss, that was wrong. You shouldn't say that.' So, that itself was a form of activism. For instance, whenever I had a chance to speak out, like at my school programs, I used to write an article about girls' education. I used to be known for feminism; the teachers would be surprised because not everyone was like that. But I always said I was very passionate about it. This passion stemmed from my childhood best friend and the experiences I had in that village, where things were very different. But I think activism started that way, and even now, I feel like every day is a kind of battle for us as women. Even here in Canada, we have to stand up and speak up, not only for ourselves but for women all over the world. The starting point would be that, but it is a continuous journey.

HerStory: Could you tell us about your transition into life in Kabul from Badakhshan? How has that taught you? You mentioned that your experiences in the village have made you stand up for yourself, so if there are examples or something like that you want to share, and then your continued journey in Canada—how do you stand up for yourself here?

Muzhda: So back in Badakhshan, as I mentioned, I was raised by my grandparents, so I was very attached to them. After some time, wars started happening. The situation in our village was getting worse day by day. The Taliban were coming, and there were conflicts every single night—battles between the Taliban and the former government. The sky was filled with the sounds of explosions and bullets, which looked like stars, but they weren't stars. So, that was the life that we had. There were nights, I recall, when we had to hide. We had a specific room where we used to go every night when the situation got worse so that we could hide. That was a significant part of my childhood, living through war.

Then, my parents moved to Faizabad, the capital of Badakhshan, while I was refusing to leave my grandparents; I used to cry a lot. They called me, saying, "Come, the situation is bad; we can't take the risk." So, I had to leave my grandparents behind. So, we went to Faiz Abad. In Faiz Abad, I experienced a different life. For the first time, I was in a classroom with boys. It was very strange for me, but seeing women doing different things was inspiring. I saw a woman driving a car for the first time, which felt weird but also empowering. Throughout my journey from a small village in Badakhshan to going to Faizabad, one of the things I learned was how important it is for women to stand up for themselves. For example, seeing women driving a car challenged the traditional norms I grew up with in the village. For instance, back in that village, I never thought a woman could drive a car. The idea of driving was mainly associated with men and masculinity. But seeing women do that taught me the importance of breaking those rules and standing up, changing the perspective of young girls like me. It changed my whole life, and now, when I think about it, those experiences have become the fundamental forces of my activism. When we, as women, do something, it opens doors for millions of other girls in Afghanistan and around the world. That was a big lesson I learned during the transition, and I also learned how important it is to be adaptive. Adapting to new environments is crucial. For example, when I first joined a class full of boys, it was strange and awkward at the beginning. I was shy, but I learned that I have to work hard and study so I can get those good marks. That became a significant part of it. There were a lot of lessons, but as I said, these experiences taught me a lot. 

HerStory: What was your school in Kabul like? Was it co-education or not? Tell us about your school in Kabul

Muzhda: Yeah, so in Faizabad, as I mentioned, it was my first experience being with boys in the same classroom. When I told my friends in Kabul, they were like, "Okay, you were studying with boys in Badakhshan?" and it was surprising to them because in Kabul, most of my school classes were with girls. Only courses outside of school, like English, were for boys. When I started going to my English course, it was a very good experience because my sister and I were the youngest students in the classroom. Most of our other classmates were men who were working with the government and for different companies. I have a very good memory from this class. So, every week on Saturdays, we had to prepare a speech and speak in front of everyone. On these Saturdays, it was only boys standing up, not girls. And in our class, there were about 45 students in a classroom, with only five girls. I remember once that I prepared the whole week to stand up in front of the classroom and read my speech one Saturday. To my surprise, it turned out very well. My teacher was happy, and everyone was clapping. It was a great experience. What happened after that was even more inspiring. My sister stood up the next Saturday and read her speech. The following Saturday, more girls stood up. After some time, my teacher acknowledged, "Muzhda, you did something very good in the class," and I was very glad about it. Through that experience, I learned that when you try to do something, you should remember it is not only for yourself; you will pave the way for other girls.

HerStory: Brave of you. Is there anything else you'd like to share about your activism? Could you describe how you engaged in activism in Afghanistan, both during your journey in Pakistan and after you arrived in Canada?

Muzhda: So, activism for me started in school. I began participating in various events and programs. For instance, whenever I had the opportunity, I wrote articles and delivered speeches on topics related to girls' education, women's rights, and participation. It all started from there. Shortly after, I delved into different organizations, particularly international ones. I discovered UNICEF, and I began working with them, contributing articles, and participating in programs. I reported on various issues concerning girls' education. Subsequently, I initiated a small project called 'Kindness for Children by Children.' I collaborated with my sisters, and together, we collected used books, notebooks, and clothing, distributing them to children working on the streets. For example, we would choose a day during winter and visit a park in Kabul, bringing children's books to read stories to them. We continued this not only during the winter but also in spring. Following that, I was on the verge of becoming one of the youth ambassadors of UNICEF Afghanistan. Unfortunately, on August 13th, 2021, on the day of my interview, I received an email stating that the situation wasn't favorable, and although a rescheduling was promised, it never happened. During our time in Pakistan, after learning that the Taliban had prohibited girls from pursuing education beyond the sixth grade, I organized protests with a group of women. We gathered in a park in Pakistan and protested against the Taliban's ban on girls’ education. Another significant action in Pakistan was visiting a refugee camp. I collaborated with a group of activists from Pakistan, and together we visited a refugee camp due to the situation in Afghanistan and also to speak out against the Hazara genocide. Lastly, I embarked on my coding journey. As I learned to code, I endeavored to connect it with activism, and it turned out to be an inspiring experience for me.

HerStory: Being an activist requires a significant amount of time and can be emotionally draining. How do you manage to balance your activism with your school responsibilities, considering that school also requires a lot of time and energy?

Muzhda: It's really hard to balance it, really hard because, when it comes to activism, you have to be emotionally involved with what you do and what you say. For example, when talking about what's happening in Afghanistan, you have to be very consistent; you have to keep posting about it and keep learning about what is happening there. This is on top of being in grade 12 and handling all the subjects—math, all the assignments, and quizzes. Sometimes it's very overwhelming, and I feel burned out. But I think a big part of it would be planning—trying to plan out, for example, most of the time when I have something regarding my project, CodeGreen Afghanistan, I tend to do it around the weekends so I can have time. For example, I would dedicate my whole Saturday to CodeGreen Afghanistan and my activism. I will plan out, have some meetings with my team, and all those things. But mainly, it's a constant battle for the school to keep up with all the assignments and quizzes. As I said, it's hard, but I think sometimes it's also important to prioritize. For example, if something is happening in Afghanistan, how can I make sure to at least dedicate one hour of my week to raising awareness? That's what I do. But at the end of the day, it is hard to balance, but it is what we have to do

HerStory: You mentioned that to be an activist, you need to be emotionally involved with your work, which can sometimes be very hard. Do you have any tips for all the other activists out there who might feel overwhelmed after some time?

Muzhda: Exactly. As you say, right now, for example, what you are doing is interviewing different women and experiencing different lives, and again, you are feeling every experience because it's like a flashback. Sometimes we say words and emotions are not real, but I say that, no, they're so real. You kind of relive them again. I think it is hard, and a big part of dealing with it would be, as I said, being emotionally involved. But I think channeling it as a reflective journey might change the perspective. For example, in my activism, I feel overwhelmed sometimes, but what I tend to think about is the big picture. What I'm doing is for a very significant reason, for a much bigger purpose. It will help other girls. It would help someone else. So, I tend to think about that.

HerStory: Tell us about August 15th, 2021. Do you recall how that day went for you?

Muzhda: Every time I talk about that day, it's like reliving it. For example, I still remember it being August 15th, around the afternoon. I was sitting on my balcony, the small balcony in my room, reading. Then suddenly, someone started knocking on the door very loudly. I ran up and tried to open the door, thinking it was my uncle saying, 'Come on, we have to leave the house.' Because I heard... It was shocking for me because what? The Taliban are here. As I mentioned, I was planning out that interview, literally working on a book. We also had our mid-year exams coming up. I was so prepared for so many things that I never thought about the fact that one day the Taliban would come. Even though the situation was bad—Kabul and the provinces were under Taliban control—I was refusing to believe that. It was so hard for me. On that day, my father was away. So, it was only me, my mom, my sisters, and my little brother and sister. We had to leave the house because if the Taliban found a group of only women living in a part of town, they would not accept that. We went to my uncle's home, and we spent one week there, hiding because my family was also involved in activism, also with the government. Even before, we couldn't go to school by ourselves because we received death threats. There would always be someone to take us to school.

Once we received that news, it was very shocking. We spent one week trying to figure out if there was any chance we could get to the airport. Then one day, someone called us and said, 'Come to the airport. There is a plane going to Pakistan. You should come.' So, we went there, and I think you also know what the situation at the airport was like. It was so bad. We found a plane and were able to get to Pakistan. But that day was overall so hard that sometimes, I can't even find words to describe my feelings. For me, as I said, it was like the end of the story. I felt like I was living in a movie and couldn't believe that suddenly, everything changed.

HerStory: You said you got on a plane to get to Pakistan. How was that experience when you arrived in Pakistan?

Muzhda: So yeah, when we went to the airport, we waited a lot to find a way to leave the country. There were suggestions to try for a plane to the U.S., which was a common idea at the time. Everyone was saying, 'Go to the airport, and you might find a plane that lands in the U.S.' Though we didn't pursue that, we did find a plane to Pakistan. Fortunately, we already had visas because my father, who was going to India, had obtained visas for all of us to Pakistan beforehand.

Upon arrival in Pakistan, as I mentioned earlier, we didn't know anyone, so we had to find a hotel right after landing in Islamabad. Since there was no organization supporting us, we secured a place, bought furniture, and established a new home in Pakistan. It was a good feeling, but at the same time, we were uncertain about our future. We wondered what would happen tomorrow. After about a week in Pakistan, we started exploring refugee applications, and applying for programs in the UK, America, and Canada. Finally, after a year, we received the news from Canada.

Reflecting on our time in Pakistan, it was a mix of emotions. Personally, we all felt a sense of loss because of our deep connection to our country. Constant thoughts about what was happening in Afghanistan weighed on us as our family members were still there. On the flip side, I felt a sense of happiness, finding some peace. The way people in Pakistan reacted to us varied. Some were happy and welcoming, while others were a bit harsh. We faced challenges in finding a house and went through many experiences there.

During an exit interview with Pakistan’s Ministry of Interior before leaving for Canada, we encountered a harsh interviewer who disrespected us a lot. I won't delve deeper into it, but that airport experience remains something that, even now, when I recall it, brings tears to my eyes. Other than that, moments when I saw Pakistanis showing love and kindness made me feel so happy and loved. Through this experience, I realized how important it is that, for example, if one day I would be in a position to choose between kindness and hate, I would always choose kindness

HerStory: To talk about transitions, could you describe what a typical day looked like for you before the Taliban in Afghanistan and now in Canada? Let's go through that a little bit, discussing pieces of your daily routine.

Muzhda: Back in Afghanistan, I believe I was extremely productive. In a way, when I reflect on it, I realize I was more productive than I am now. Perhaps I had more time or energy back then. In Afghanistan, I used to wake up early in the morning and engage in activities like reading and writing. I also practiced meditation, influenced by a productivity guru on YouTube, particularly Ali Abdaal, and other productivity influencers. At times, I would set up a camera on my balcony and record myself, pretending to be a YouTuber while I meditated, wrote, and read. It felt gratifying.

Afterward, I would go to school, attend two courses (English and math) after school, and return home to complete my homework. I considered this routine to be a significant part of my identity. I was a hardworking student at my school. However, after moving to Pakistan, I experienced an identity crisis. Coming to Canada was initially challenging, as I had been away from the formal education system for a year. I had to adapt to the new system and teaching methods.

Currently, in Canada, I have to wake up early because school starts around 8:30. Fortunately, I enjoy waking up early. I go to school, come back, and engage in numerous assignments and quizzes. This year, I had to study for an exam almost every day, particularly for math tests. That's basically my routine – going to school, managing schoolwork, and also participating in other activities like activism, writing, and reading. While my daily activities have changed, it's just a typical day for a student.

HerStory: Thank you for sharing that. What keeps you inspired and motivated when you have days feeling low? So to talk more about this question, there are so many issues coming up after leaving your homeland. Defining yourself becomes a challenge, and finding your place in an unfamiliar country is a journey in itself. What are some challenges you have faced, and how have you coped with them?

Muzhda: We all actually feel low at times, and as I mentioned before, one of them is that identity crisis. It's very hard to accept who you were before and what has happened now. The transition between two different countries, two different cultures, two different situations, and accepting what is happening in Afghanistan. I also felt survivor’s guilt, feeling like I have all these opportunities, but then, at the same time, it is hard thinking about what is happening in my country. My friends and my classmates are dealing with a different world right now. That also adds to the fact that we become very unmotivated. But I think one thing that motivates me when I'm feeling alone is to think about the bigger picture; to think about that purpose that I have, and actually, thinking about the bigger 'why,' why I am doing what I'm doing is also important. And, as I mentioned before, whenever we do something, it opens the door for others. So, I also think about that. Okay, if I'm doing whatever I'm doing today, it's going to help others.

Something else that helps is self-care. I think self-care is also very important. For instance, after hearing the news about the genocide in Palestine, I was very involved in it for a while, and I was watching video after video, and then I found myself very hopeless and overwhelmed. So I said, I need to take a break because if I don't take a break if I don't take care of myself, how can I be a strong activist, a stronger person? So, I think sometimes taking a break is a must for us as activists, so that the day after that break, we might come back stronger and more motivated to do something. So, yeah, I think one would be thinking about the 'why' but also self-care

HerStory: What's your hope for yourself and Afghan girls? Could you share your thoughts on your future and your goals?

Muzhda: If we talk generally, one of my hopes is that I really want to live in a world one day where we, as Afghan girls, feel extremely proud of ourselves. So proud that we don't care about what anyone thinks, how they define us, or how they try to limit us. Right now, the fact that the Taliban are using all their power to stop us can be empowering for us. We see that they are trying everything to stop us, but we will still persist. One day, we will go back stronger to our country. Even for those of us already in our country, we will be so hopeful and empowered that we won’t let them overcome us. So, I think one part of it would be that I want to see all of us very proud, happy, and empowered.

But for myself, I would say I am thinking of studying law. After that, maybe get into politics in some way. One of my goals right now is to study law. And for my university, I really want to get into a good one because, you know, we went through a lot of things, and we deserve a very good education. Education has helped us a lot. It is education that allows us to communicate, learn, write, and advocate for other girls. So that is a big part of it.

My hope for girls is, of course, that I want to see them go to school. I want to see them going to university and working. And for women in Afghanistan, I want to see them become the future leaders of Afghanistan. I believe, deep in my heart, that after a dark day, we will have a very, very shiny day. We will have that light and that shiny day. On that day, I want to see women shine. I want to see women in leadership. And I'm confident that we will see that. So that is one of my hopes for women and for us.

HerStory: What would you say to girls in Afghanistan who need motivation? How can you inspire and keep them motivated to hold on to hope?

Muzhda: When you talk with a girl in Afghanistan and just ask how they are, it's hard because we all know what they're going through. It's even harder than what we are currently experiencing or what we have been through. But, as I mentioned before, consider the fact that the Taliban fought for years to gain power, and now that they are in power, they're using everything to stand against women. It's quite challenging.

So, never lose hope; never let them overcome you, because there is something special about you. Be motivated and use any opportunity that comes your way. Even if you can't go to school, maybe if you have a chance to read a book, do that. At the end of the day, I believe you should be proud of yourself as a woman. One thing I've realized is that some women are feeling low, and they regret being women. Families may want boys instead of girls. I don't want women to feel that way about themselves. I want them to be strong, proud of who they are, motivated, and never give up, as I mentioned. We will see light, and I want them to be strong and not let the Taliban overcome them.